I don’t know what Limbo must feel like if it exists… But I feel like I’m currently stuck in my own personal Limbo (noun: an imaginary place for lost or neglected things)
I’m so up and down and ever so slightly confused.
I can honestly say this whole week feels surreal (adjective: resembling a dream)… It feels almost like it didn’t really happen which makes no sense because I know it did but it just feels like an out of body experience. It doesn’t feel like only a week ago I was in A&E being told that I was having a missed miscarriage; that I saw a too small image on a screen that was my not-to-be baby; and that everything I had feared and knew already was true. I had been saying for a while that something didn’t feel right and something bad was going to happen because it was true – in my heart something didn’t feel good. Intuition (noun: instinctive knowing without the use of rational processes)? Premonition? Fear of the unknown? Or my own personal jinx? Who knows. Whatever. I was right.
This feeling of a lot of time passed when it hasn’t is making my life a bit difficult because it all feels like so long ago and almost like it didn’t happen that I feel like I should be over it. Because it’s been long enough. And then someone reminds me it hasn’t even been a week yet since Mondays events so how can I possibly expect to be OK?! It’s confusing. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I don’t like pregnant people and I don’t want to hold any babies. Then I feel selfish because pregnancy and babies are a blessing but right now I don’t like them. Sue me.
TRMan and I were discussing plans. What do I want to do next year? Work? Study? Be a full-time SAHM? And I got angry and frustrated and ended up crying for ages without even understanding what I was crying about until I actually thought about the question and realised: I don’t want a new plan. I liked the old plan, the one with the baby in it. And so I’m not quite ready to start thinking past it. It upsets me and I can’t think of anything I want more right now. Asides from the lovely family I already have and really do appreciate. But I was ready to be pregnant, and have another baby, and be a SAHM for a little while longer. I was ready to be the woman that raises kids, cooks and cleans for now. And now I just don’t know.
Do I want to work part-time? Study again? Stay at home with Shy? Count the days until we can try again like some obsessive baby machine?
What I want is to look after my family, get Shy into nursery in April part-time. get myself a part-time job and then I want to try again. I don’t want to plan anything else for now. In 6 months, TRMan could ask me if I still want to try now for a baby and I could decide I like the time I have to myself working and not being mum and say “no, not right now” but this is what my mind and heart wants at this moment. So this is my kind-of plan. For now.
One day at a time.