Temporary Blessings

So I mentioned on twitter my big blog return was going to be this Wednesday… A change of circumstances means a change of plans so while I update everyone about my absence, I would like to warn in advance that this will be a REAL and maybe TMI post which may upset some readers. 

Today may have possibly been right up there with some of the other worst days of my life and I think this weekend makes it into the worst weekend I ever experienced. On Wednesday, I was supposed to be 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant with a scan picture and an announcement for all my readers. It hasn’t been the best pregnancy – I had a suspected UTI (urinary tract infection) but only minor so drank loads of water to see if it passed ALTHOUGH no one ever checked after this to see if it had. At 8/9 weeks I became seriously ill – unable to eat or drink and vomiting my life away even when there was nothing to come up. The next day I was so dehydrated I had to take a trip to hospital. I was eventually given cyclizine for the sickness and told to drink loads of lucozade for energy, Long story short, someone should have checked my urine and probably taken a scan but there you go. It took about 2 weeks for me to fully recover.
At 11 weeks I had my booking scan and no sign of the UTI although I was still having some cramps, but the midwife seemed happy and that was good enough for me. After this, my 12 week scan was booked for the 20th November at just gone 13 weeks.

Unfortunately, on Saturday evening – 16th November, I started bleeding.

After a trip to the local UCC, we felt a bit positive as the Dr seemed positive and pretty sure we would be OK and sent us home. The bleeding had slowed to spotting so we had our fingers crossed.
The next morning I woke up to plenty of blood and decided a trip to A&E was needed. My mums friend took Shy to my mums house while we waited: A cannula was put in my arm; bloods taken and so forth. Eventually we went to a special ward for gyny recovories and had a scan. I knew instantly as the Dr scanned and kept moving around what was coming but at the same time I didn’t – I thought I had just miscarried and nothing was there: it turns out the baby was indeed still there but there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing at about 8 weeks. The Dr was lovely and really tried to find a heartbeat before showing me and I felt calm… I had known from that morning what was happening.

I was sent home to return today at 11.30am for another scan and to discuss my options: natural, medical or surgical removal. At 5.30am today, I started contracting and they just got worse and worse – it felt like I was in full blown labour knowing that nothing good was going to come of it. We went to the hospital early at about 9am and still wasn’t seen until AFTER our appointment time at around 11.40am – the whole time I waited I was contracting about every 3-4 minutes and literally climbing the wall in a room full of pregnant people with suspected complications… safe to say I felt awful for putting them through my pain and probably scaring them all shitless!

Eventually I was seen and given a scan which showed after 6 hours of contracting, the baby was still there although moving in the right direction. With my consent, the Dr asked if she could try and help my body expel it and I agreed. During a contraction with the aid of a speculum, the sac was broken and everything was removed – I felt like I had just given birth it was so painful and it was disorientating to go through all of that and have no baby at the end. 

We left. I bled a lot. We were exhausted. We went home and slept for a few hours. And now here I am, getting it out of my head and making a change to my announcement plans.

So. That’s my announcement, my weekend and my day all up to speed. No big announcement, no scan picture and a lot of pain and tears. 

I count my blessings: I’m alive, I have a beautiful daughter and this has definitely brought me and TRMan closer and made our relationship stronger. He has been with me since Friday, at every hospital trip and been through everything with me. He never left my side even as we slept at night and I couldn’t have asked for a stronger man. God has his own plans for us and for me, and I know this is all part of that plan. This was a temporary blessing to prepare us for a permanent one. It has served its purpose and for whatever reason God took our baby away to take care of it better than we could have.  Of course, we have had moments where we tried to make sense of it all; to understand; to ask “why us? What did we do to deserve this?”… but slowly we are coming to terms with it all, accepting it just happened and trying to get used to me not being pregnant any more. Luckily, we have had so much support from friends and family, we haven’t been alone in this and I’ve really appreciated it.

Our time will come again. We will try again one day. But for now, we will recover; move forward; and appreciate our lives with Shy and each other.

That’s all for now.  Just the truth and where I’ve been for the last 12 weeks